I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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