I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
