i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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