you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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