so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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