We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
