all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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