Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
