No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
