I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
