just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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