I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
