I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
