I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
