Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
