so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
