He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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