I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
