my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
