im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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