So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude i'm inner monologue high
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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