Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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