The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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