if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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