I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
