On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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