last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
