oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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