I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
