im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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