i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
