I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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