Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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