Whod you bang
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
