dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
