my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
