She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
