We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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