she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I wish you could order shots online.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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