It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
