I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
