Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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