My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
