the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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