I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think I have vodka in my lungs
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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