I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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