So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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