I love having hate sex.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
