Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
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I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
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U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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