I feel like abortions should bother me more
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
