Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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