i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
