Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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