2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
