just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
