I think I won the penis lottery.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
