i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he laminated a picture of his dick.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
