Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
